too much, too soon

i thought this would be a good time to start writing about some of my real (both past and present) experiences. obviously, i am not going to use any real names, and some of the content may be edited to protect myself and/0r anyone else involved. what i am going to do it try to be as genuine as possible in describing all my fun (and not-so-fun) forays into the bdsm realm.

as my blog title states, i am a single white submissive. i currently do belong to any Domme and i do not have a regular girlfriend. in fact, i have never at any point in my life "belonged" to a Domme. sure, i have played with some, chatted with even more, but i have never gotten to the point where i have signed a contract, been collared, or done anything to signify i am owned. i have put much thought into why this is. i mean, i am not conceited in the least, but i consider myself a good looking guy, my first self has many friends, and i am outgoing and get along with most people. it shouldn't be that hard to find a Domme that i click with, should it? i have found that it's not getting along with the Domme that is the problem; it is a matter of finding a Domme whose D/s interests best fit my own. i am not saying i would need a Domme who is a mirror image of me, but i am not about to compromise myself or my desires simply to be some Domme's submissive.

take for instance this Domme i met through alt.com a few years ago. we emailed back and forth a few times, talked on the phone for about 45 minutes and then decided to meet up later that week. we were about the same age and we actually seemed to have a lot in common outside of bdsm. She described herself as a total Dominant, never ever having even an inkling of being submissive. i will be honest, that turned me on more than anything. to me, any woman who defines herself that way means she has thought about it. before this encounter, most of my experiences had involved girls who never thought about being Dominant before they met me. they had merely filled that role in an attempt to make me happy, which usually took some convincing (i just read that over, and i just realized a paradox exists somewhere in that last sentence).

when i arrived She immediately exerted Her power and commanded me to strip immediately after closing the door behind me. as i did i am not going to lie, i was hard. very, very hard. She then led me over to Her coffee table and proceeded to tie me to it, on my knees, bent over, with my hands behind my back. at this point i start to get a little nervous. this was the first girl i have met after meeting online. we did exchange emails and talked on the phone and exchanged personal information for safety's sake, but once i was secure to that coffee table, i was completely at Her mercy. with my adrenaline pumping full force, i could not recall a time i was more nervous/turned on in all my life; this also stemmed from the fact i knew what this Domme was into, and that was pain. i could see the pleasure in Her face as She began pulling my hair, spanking me with a hairbrush, and scratching my back with Her long nails. no girl had ever been so rough with me. each slap made my ass sting more and more and the scratch marks on my back were now burning. although it was the most intense pain my second self had ever felt, never once did i think about uttering my safe word. after working my backside over, She proceeded to tie me lying down flat, again, on Her coffee table. as much She loved spanking and scratching me, She absolutely enjoyed pinching my nipples even more! while tied on my back, She also took the time to tease me with Her mouth, but also took even more time putting me through the roughest cbt up to that point! needless to say, i was sore the next day. i felt as though my body had been put through the ringer, as even the pressure from my shower against my chest reminded me of how much pain they were in the day before.

throughout the whole experience, all i can remember is mixed emotions. on one hand, i very much enjoyed being dominated by this young woman, i loved being tied up (She had a talent for knots!), and it gave me much satisfaction to see how much She was enjoying Herself. on the other hand, i do not know if i were ready to have such an intense experience with a girl who i hardly knew. after it was all over and i was about to leave, i knew in the back of my head i wasn't sure i wanted to see Her again. it's like kissing someone you hardly know when you are out on the weekend. sure, it's good at the time and it's exactly what you wanted to do when you went out, but when it's all over and she proceeds to go dance with another guy, you just can't help but feel a little empty, a little distant. it was as if it were too much, too soon. there was no building up to it. i think i would have felt much better about the whole thing if we had just started off slowly, maybe just tying me up the first time, then get into the intense activities after an emotional connection was established. as i type this, the more i am convinced that finding my second self's perfect Domme has much more in common with my first self's perfect girl. (i actually did look up and to the left after i typed that, as if i were on a tv show having a flashback/daydream, weird). i know this entry kind of ends abruptly, but i decided that i am going to give that last thought more attention and dedicate a future entry solely to it. questions, comments and/or concerns? let me have it.