my attempt at metacognition

sometimes i wonder why i love bondage so much. i wonder why i think being bound head to toe, being so completely helpless, is such a turn on for me. there was never a moment in my life where all of a sudden i thought "wow, i love being tied up!" it sort of always has been there. when i was a kid, i would always be the one who would easily get caught while playing cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, or any other game where one of the players got tied up, handcuffed, or captured. the more i played these types of games, the more i would try and set it up so i would be the one who ended up bound and gagged and in need of rescue.

my foray into self-bondage also began at an early age. i had always been fascinated with those cheap plastic handcuffs they sold at toy stores. i began collecting common household products that doubled at bondage gear (though i obviously didn't call it that then!) when i was about 10 or 11. i would go to my room and tie my legs nice and tight and then handcuff my hands behind my back with the key nearby (i could have broken them very easily if i needed to) and just struggle for hours. one of my favorite items (and still is to this day) is ace bandage. i would simply wrap it tight around one wrist, put my hands behind my back and slip my other wrist through. though i could just slip my hand out at any time, it still felt somewhat secure and was way more comfortable than handcuffs. as i grew older, my collection of bondage gear grew. finally, when i was in high school, i added rope to my collection. my crowning achievement came when i was in college and bought my first reall ball gag. ok, enough digretion, back to my original point.

the reason i think i enjoy bondage so much, in my own humble opinion, comes down to what my first self is like. i would never be considered a control freak by any stretch of the imagination. i would, however, consider myself someone who needs to a certain amount of consistency in his life. thus, i want most things in my life planned out and i want to know where i am headed. i never try to control other people, only myself. i get ansy on thursday when i don't know what i am doing on friday night. i used snoop around and try to find my gifts before christmas. i am the one who starts talking about dessert before my appetizers come. i am an actor, not a reactor. my second self allows me to become a reactor; it allows me to break free from this way of thinking by simply allowing someone else to do my thinking for me. i like that, i like the comfort that comes with trust; trust that my Domme has Her best interest and my best interest at heart. i feel very fulfilled fulfilling other people's wishes.

i am also a very big fan of the security that comes with being a submissive. physically speaking, i enjoy being all tied up, no where to go, my only purpose being to be at the mercy of my Domme. emotionally, i feel that bondage gives me a sense of accomplishment. i can validate my people-pleasing mentality by doing my Domme's bidding. i know i sound like a broken record, but waiting on my Domme hand and foot brings my tremendous satisfaction. by Her showing that She is pleased with my actions, i can feel secure that my feelings are reciprocated.

later in life, maybe during my college years, bondage became so much more than the physical state of being tied up. somewhere along the line, bondage took a more cerebral path and i began thinking of bondage in a more emotional and mental way. just because i am not tied up, does not mean that i am not under a Domme's control. when i was younger, i never understood why a submissive would want to simply kneel at a Domme's feet. now i get it. i finally have understood that a Domme/sub relationship cannot function on physical restraint alone. sure, a Domme may love keeping Her sub tied up most of the time (my favorite kind of Domme ;), but what happens when he is not restrained? normally, his Domme has set up a system of rules and behavior that guide the sub's actions. it is this system, from what i have learned, that truly restrains the sub. it is not the action of the Domme tying up Her sub that binds him to Her, it is the sub's conscious decision to follow the rules given to him. thus, the Domme/sub relationship is not about a Domme bending a sub to Her will, rather it is the sub giving himself to the Domme to be bent. i think i just made a breakthrough.... :)