why the 'scene' hasn't been my scene

why i want to go
i really want to go to a fetish night at a club. i mean, i really really want to go. there is something very appealing about being around so many people who my second self can relate to. i have never been to a place or event where bdsm is the central theme. not a munch, not a club, not anywhere. one of my biggest fantasies does involve being shown off by my Domme and made to serve Her in a public setting, but only lately have i made it a point to try and experience it first hand. i tingle at the thought of being surrounded by Dommes, Doms, and subs alike. it makes me shutter just thinking about all the Dommes in the club having their eyes on "the new guy" and, when they find out i am submissive, deciding whether or not i would be worthy to serve. in an ideal world, i would end up on my knees in front of a Domme or Dommes, fetching them drinks and answering any question they would want to know about me all night. although i know that it doesn't exactly work like that, those thoughts are certainly a driving force behind my desire to attend. ultimately, my core reason for wanting to go is to meet new people and find an outlet for my second self. from what i hear, most people at the fetish nights and munches are laid back, down to earth people who happen to be into bdsm (like me!).

why i haven't been
there are a couple of reasons why i have never ventured to a munch or fetish night. for one, i do not have one single friend or acquaintance that attends or would want to attend. i have tried and tried to get over being self conscious, but to me, there is something very unnerving about showing up to any bar or club by oneself. what if no one talks to me? what if i just sit in the corner nursing my beer all night? i would go home defeated, never wanting to go back. i am really bad at breaking the ice. i don't exactly walk up to people and start conversations. sure, when that ice is finally broken, i am fine, confident, outgoing, and according to seven people, funny. . i still think i would find it much more soothing to go with someone, even if it were someone i just met. no one likes being alone and being alone in a sea of people is even worse. i just wish there was some way to identify submissive from dominant, bondage lover from pain slut, etc. well, a long time ago i discovered the "hanky code". basically, a person would wear a certain color handkerchief in their back pocket or on a certain side of their body. the side they wore it on told whether they were Dominant or submissive. the color of the handkerchief then told what they were into (from what i remember, grey meant bondage). now i have peaked my own interest. i am going to find the "hanky code" and post it on this blog.
to sum it all up, i have never been because i am, in a way, scared. i have never revealed my second self to people i have never met face to face before. but i suppose in a way it would be cathartic. i would be able to act on a lot of desires i have kept inside for way too long. i have always thought that the day i find a Domme, the day i find a circle of friends who share my love of bondage, is the day i stop writing this blog. i guess we shall have to wait and see.