Saturday, December 8, 2007
i think we should mate...i said date, you know, socially
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Wednesday, December 5, 2007
'tis the season of giving (how fitting for a sub ;)
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Tuesday, December 4, 2007
too much, too soon
i thought this would be a good time to start writing about some of my real (both past and present) experiences. obviously, i am not going to use any real names, and some of the content may be edited to protect myself and/0r anyone else involved. what i am going to do it try to be as genuine as possible in describing all my fun (and not-so-fun) forays into the bdsm realm.
as my blog title states, i am a single white submissive. i currently do belong to any Domme and i do not have a regular girlfriend. in fact, i have never at any point in my life "belonged" to a Domme. sure, i have played with some, chatted with even more, but i have never gotten to the point where i have signed a contract, been collared, or done anything to signify i am owned. i have put much thought into why this is. i mean, i am not conceited in the least, but i consider myself a good looking guy, my first self has many friends, and i am outgoing and get along with most people. it shouldn't be that hard to find a Domme that i click with, should it? i have found that it's not getting along with the Domme that is the problem; it is a matter of finding a Domme whose D/s interests best fit my own. i am not saying i would need a Domme who is a mirror image of me, but i am not about to compromise myself or my desires simply to be some Domme's submissive.
take for instance this Domme i met through alt.com a few years ago. we emailed back and forth a few times, talked on the phone for about 45 minutes and then decided to meet up later that week. we were about the same age and we actually seemed to have a lot in common outside of bdsm. She described herself as a total Dominant, never ever having even an inkling of being submissive. i will be honest, that turned me on more than anything. to me, any woman who defines herself that way means she has thought about it. before this encounter, most of my experiences had involved girls who never thought about being Dominant before they met me. they had merely filled that role in an attempt to make me happy, which usually took some convincing (i just read that over, and i just realized a paradox exists somewhere in that last sentence).
when i arrived She immediately exerted Her power and commanded me to strip immediately after closing the door behind me. as i did i am not going to lie, i was hard. very, very hard. She then led me over to Her coffee table and proceeded to tie me to it, on my knees, bent over, with my hands behind my back. at this point i start to get a little nervous. this was the first girl i have met after meeting online. we did exchange emails and talked on the phone and exchanged personal information for safety's sake, but once i was secure to that coffee table, i was completely at Her mercy. with my adrenaline pumping full force, i could not recall a time i was more nervous/turned on in all my life; this also stemmed from the fact i knew what this Domme was into, and that was pain. i could see the pleasure in Her face as She began pulling my hair, spanking me with a hairbrush, and scratching my back with Her long nails. no girl had ever been so rough with me. each slap made my ass sting more and more and the scratch marks on my back were now burning. although it was the most intense pain my second self had ever felt, never once did i think about uttering my safe word. after working my backside over, She proceeded to tie me lying down flat, again, on Her coffee table. as much She loved spanking and scratching me, She absolutely enjoyed pinching my nipples even more! while tied on my back, She also took the time to tease me with Her mouth, but also took even more time putting me through the roughest cbt up to that point! needless to say, i was sore the next day. i felt as though my body had been put through the ringer, as even the pressure from my shower against my chest reminded me of how much pain they were in the day before.
throughout the whole experience, all i can remember is mixed emotions. on one hand, i very much enjoyed being dominated by this young woman, i loved being tied up (She had a talent for knots!), and it gave me much satisfaction to see how much She was enjoying Herself. on the other hand, i do not know if i were ready to have such an intense experience with a girl who i hardly knew. after it was all over and i was about to leave, i knew in the back of my head i wasn't sure i wanted to see Her again. it's like kissing someone you hardly know when you are out on the weekend. sure, it's good at the time and it's exactly what you wanted to do when you went out, but when it's all over and she proceeds to go dance with another guy, you just can't help but feel a little empty, a little distant. it was as if it were too much, too soon. there was no building up to it. i think i would have felt much better about the whole thing if we had just started off slowly, maybe just tying me up the first time, then get into the intense activities after an emotional connection was established. as i type this, the more i am convinced that finding my second self's perfect Domme has much more in common with my first self's perfect girl. (i actually did look up and to the left after i typed that, as if i were on a tv show having a flashback/daydream, weird). i know this entry kind of ends abruptly, but i decided that i am going to give that last thought more attention and dedicate a future entry solely to it. questions, comments and/or concerns? let me have it.
as my blog title states, i am a single white submissive. i currently do belong to any Domme and i do not have a regular girlfriend. in fact, i have never at any point in my life "belonged" to a Domme. sure, i have played with some, chatted with even more, but i have never gotten to the point where i have signed a contract, been collared, or done anything to signify i am owned. i have put much thought into why this is. i mean, i am not conceited in the least, but i consider myself a good looking guy, my first self has many friends, and i am outgoing and get along with most people. it shouldn't be that hard to find a Domme that i click with, should it? i have found that it's not getting along with the Domme that is the problem; it is a matter of finding a Domme whose D/s interests best fit my own. i am not saying i would need a Domme who is a mirror image of me, but i am not about to compromise myself or my desires simply to be some Domme's submissive.
take for instance this Domme i met through alt.com a few years ago. we emailed back and forth a few times, talked on the phone for about 45 minutes and then decided to meet up later that week. we were about the same age and we actually seemed to have a lot in common outside of bdsm. She described herself as a total Dominant, never ever having even an inkling of being submissive. i will be honest, that turned me on more than anything. to me, any woman who defines herself that way means she has thought about it. before this encounter, most of my experiences had involved girls who never thought about being Dominant before they met me. they had merely filled that role in an attempt to make me happy, which usually took some convincing (i just read that over, and i just realized a paradox exists somewhere in that last sentence).
when i arrived She immediately exerted Her power and commanded me to strip immediately after closing the door behind me. as i did i am not going to lie, i was hard. very, very hard. She then led me over to Her coffee table and proceeded to tie me to it, on my knees, bent over, with my hands behind my back. at this point i start to get a little nervous. this was the first girl i have met after meeting online. we did exchange emails and talked on the phone and exchanged personal information for safety's sake, but once i was secure to that coffee table, i was completely at Her mercy. with my adrenaline pumping full force, i could not recall a time i was more nervous/turned on in all my life; this also stemmed from the fact i knew what this Domme was into, and that was pain. i could see the pleasure in Her face as She began pulling my hair, spanking me with a hairbrush, and scratching my back with Her long nails. no girl had ever been so rough with me. each slap made my ass sting more and more and the scratch marks on my back were now burning. although it was the most intense pain my second self had ever felt, never once did i think about uttering my safe word. after working my backside over, She proceeded to tie me lying down flat, again, on Her coffee table. as much She loved spanking and scratching me, She absolutely enjoyed pinching my nipples even more! while tied on my back, She also took the time to tease me with Her mouth, but also took even more time putting me through the roughest cbt up to that point! needless to say, i was sore the next day. i felt as though my body had been put through the ringer, as even the pressure from my shower against my chest reminded me of how much pain they were in the day before.
throughout the whole experience, all i can remember is mixed emotions. on one hand, i very much enjoyed being dominated by this young woman, i loved being tied up (She had a talent for knots!), and it gave me much satisfaction to see how much She was enjoying Herself. on the other hand, i do not know if i were ready to have such an intense experience with a girl who i hardly knew. after it was all over and i was about to leave, i knew in the back of my head i wasn't sure i wanted to see Her again. it's like kissing someone you hardly know when you are out on the weekend. sure, it's good at the time and it's exactly what you wanted to do when you went out, but when it's all over and she proceeds to go dance with another guy, you just can't help but feel a little empty, a little distant. it was as if it were too much, too soon. there was no building up to it. i think i would have felt much better about the whole thing if we had just started off slowly, maybe just tying me up the first time, then get into the intense activities after an emotional connection was established. as i type this, the more i am convinced that finding my second self's perfect Domme has much more in common with my first self's perfect girl. (i actually did look up and to the left after i typed that, as if i were on a tv show having a flashback/daydream, weird). i know this entry kind of ends abruptly, but i decided that i am going to give that last thought more attention and dedicate a future entry solely to it. questions, comments and/or concerns? let me have it.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
the more things change, the more they stay the same
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Saturday, December 1, 2007
the oversaturation of male submissives and its effects on the worldwide bondage market
recent market activity has show that the price of submissives has plummeted due to the north american market being flooded with "male sub seeks Domme". ok, so i have never taken an economics class aside from "economics 101", so i am not going to write a long diatribe spouting off statistics. i am merely going to go off of my experiences in trying to find a Domme.
i don't think i seriously started looking for a dominant girl until college. i would usually just reveal my second self to my girlfriends after we have already started dating. as you can well imagine, this caused problems. most of the time they would humor me, tie me up every once and a while, maybe let me tie them up; regardless, they would always get sick of it after a while and say stuff like "why can't we just have normal sex all the time?" though it was not intended, a statement that is phrased like that can cut pretty deep (this issue i plan on making it its own post) after a while i finally gave up trying to tell girls about my second self as it was causing me to regress more than anything else. the more girls i told who thought i was "weird", the less and less i wanted to tell anyone at all. when i finally got to college and found myself surrounded by literally thousands of new people my age, i felt it would be time to start to seek out Dominant Women.
like most people, i had no idea where to begin. i just began scouring the world wide web in search of a place where my second self would be welcomed. the first site i came across that showed some promise was the ever popular alt.com. for those of you that aren't familiar with the site, it's a friendster for kinky people. i immediately posted a profile and pic of myself, figuring the messages would start pouring in. they didn't. and i had no idea why. i was young (19 at the time), in great shape, cute, etc., why weren't the Domme's all pining for my services? the entire time i was browsing the site and looking at profiles, i was strictly looking at only the profiles of Dommes aged 18-35. i was on the site so often that i would know immediately if some new Domme in that range created a profile. then one day it hit me: i should see what other male subs are posting so i could see if i was doing anything wrong. once i entered the male sub profile list, i knew it immediately dawned on me why no one cared about this new sub. there were literally 20 times more male sub profiles than there were Dommes. how does one compete with that? how do you make yourself stick out when you are, for all intents and purposes, a needle in a haystack?
Dommes can afford to be ultra picky in their choice of submissive because they, at any given time, have several submissives vying for their attention. this is not to say a Domme should not be picky, on the contrary, a Domme should take the utmost care in selecting Her sub, i am only trying to point out that a submissive has to have something that catches the Dommes eye or else he gets lost among the dozens of emails She receives each day. i even did a little experiment and created a profile posing as a Domme. no pic, very little information, yet, i still received a handful of messages each day from submissives seeking a Domme.
i next tried to figure out why there were so many male submissives out there. maybe people just think being a submissive is easier than being a Dominant? maybe it's a lot easier for a guy to come out and say how he feels on the matter? if i were submissive female, i guess i would find it easy to find a Dominant. perhaps it is a gender thing. the norm is for the male to be the dominant one in a relationship, so perhaps it's a lot easier to go from Dominant to submissive than it is to go from submissive to Dominant. i have no idea, this is all just speculation. all in all, i don't think i will ever understand it as every submissive sees the D/s world from his own eyes. every submissive has a story to tell and knows the core reasons why he is submissive.
sorry for this long list of questions, but it's something i truly ponder over from time to time. i would love to hear what you all think on the matter.
i don't think i seriously started looking for a dominant girl until college. i would usually just reveal my second self to my girlfriends after we have already started dating. as you can well imagine, this caused problems. most of the time they would humor me, tie me up every once and a while, maybe let me tie them up; regardless, they would always get sick of it after a while and say stuff like "why can't we just have normal sex all the time?" though it was not intended, a statement that is phrased like that can cut pretty deep (this issue i plan on making it its own post) after a while i finally gave up trying to tell girls about my second self as it was causing me to regress more than anything else. the more girls i told who thought i was "weird", the less and less i wanted to tell anyone at all. when i finally got to college and found myself surrounded by literally thousands of new people my age, i felt it would be time to start to seek out Dominant Women.
like most people, i had no idea where to begin. i just began scouring the world wide web in search of a place where my second self would be welcomed. the first site i came across that showed some promise was the ever popular alt.com. for those of you that aren't familiar with the site, it's a friendster for kinky people. i immediately posted a profile and pic of myself, figuring the messages would start pouring in. they didn't. and i had no idea why. i was young (19 at the time), in great shape, cute, etc., why weren't the Domme's all pining for my services? the entire time i was browsing the site and looking at profiles, i was strictly looking at only the profiles of Dommes aged 18-35. i was on the site so often that i would know immediately if some new Domme in that range created a profile. then one day it hit me: i should see what other male subs are posting so i could see if i was doing anything wrong. once i entered the male sub profile list, i knew it immediately dawned on me why no one cared about this new sub. there were literally 20 times more male sub profiles than there were Dommes. how does one compete with that? how do you make yourself stick out when you are, for all intents and purposes, a needle in a haystack?
Dommes can afford to be ultra picky in their choice of submissive because they, at any given time, have several submissives vying for their attention. this is not to say a Domme should not be picky, on the contrary, a Domme should take the utmost care in selecting Her sub, i am only trying to point out that a submissive has to have something that catches the Dommes eye or else he gets lost among the dozens of emails She receives each day. i even did a little experiment and created a profile posing as a Domme. no pic, very little information, yet, i still received a handful of messages each day from submissives seeking a Domme.
i next tried to figure out why there were so many male submissives out there. maybe people just think being a submissive is easier than being a Dominant? maybe it's a lot easier for a guy to come out and say how he feels on the matter? if i were submissive female, i guess i would find it easy to find a Dominant. perhaps it is a gender thing. the norm is for the male to be the dominant one in a relationship, so perhaps it's a lot easier to go from Dominant to submissive than it is to go from submissive to Dominant. i have no idea, this is all just speculation. all in all, i don't think i will ever understand it as every submissive sees the D/s world from his own eyes. every submissive has a story to tell and knows the core reasons why he is submissive.
sorry for this long list of questions, but it's something i truly ponder over from time to time. i would love to hear what you all think on the matter.
Friday, November 30, 2007
RIsub's hanky code
here is RIsub's version of a hanky code. if you want me to change or add anything, let me know!
left side of body = Domiant
right side of body = submissive
Bondage = Grey
S&M = Black
CBT = Teal Blue
Nipple Play = Dark Pink
Forced Femme = Purple
Spanking = Fuscia (Neon Pink)
Role playing Lover = Red
Latex Fetish = Dark Grey or Charcoal
Dildo Fetish = Light Pink
Drag Queen = Lavender
Two Looking for One/One Looking for Two = Gold
Foot Fetish = Coral
Food Fetish = Lime Green
Anal Worship = Beige
Shaving Fetish = Red/White Stripes
Teacher/Student Fetish = Brown Corduroy
Video Fetish = Black Velvet
Voyeur/Performer = White Velvet
Tatoo Fetish = Leopard Print
Cuddling Fetish = Teddy Bears
Outdoor Fetish = Mosquito Netting
Scent Fetish = Kleenex
Willing Open-Minded = Orange
left side of body = Domiant
right side of body = submissive
Bondage = Grey
S&M = Black
CBT = Teal Blue
Nipple Play = Dark Pink
Forced Femme = Purple
Spanking = Fuscia (Neon Pink)
Role playing Lover = Red
Latex Fetish = Dark Grey or Charcoal
Dildo Fetish = Light Pink
Drag Queen = Lavender
Two Looking for One/One Looking for Two = Gold
Foot Fetish = Coral
Food Fetish = Lime Green
Anal Worship = Beige
Shaving Fetish = Red/White Stripes
Teacher/Student Fetish = Brown Corduroy
Video Fetish = Black Velvet
Voyeur/Performer = White Velvet
Tatoo Fetish = Leopard Print
Cuddling Fetish = Teddy Bears
Outdoor Fetish = Mosquito Netting
Scent Fetish = Kleenex
Willing Open-Minded = Orange
why the 'scene' hasn't been my scene
why i want to go
i really want to go to a fetish night at a club. i mean, i really really want to go. there is something very appealing about being around so many people who my second self can relate to. i have never been to a place or event where bdsm is the central theme. not a munch, not a club, not anywhere. one of my biggest fantasies does involve being shown off by my Domme and made to serve Her in a public setting, but only lately have i made it a point to try and experience it first hand. i tingle at the thought of being surrounded by Dommes, Doms, and subs alike. it makes me shutter just thinking about all the Dommes in the club having their eyes on "the new guy" and, when they find out i am submissive, deciding whether or not i would be worthy to serve. in an ideal world, i would end up on my knees in front of a Domme or Dommes, fetching them drinks and answering any question they would want to know about me all night. although i know that it doesn't exactly work like that, those thoughts are certainly a driving force behind my desire to attend. ultimately, my core reason for wanting to go is to meet new people and find an outlet for my second self. from what i hear, most people at the fetish nights and munches are laid back, down to earth people who happen to be into bdsm (like me!).
why i haven't been
there are a couple of reasons why i have never ventured to a munch or fetish night. for one, i do not have one single friend or acquaintance that attends or would want to attend. i have tried and tried to get over being self conscious, but to me, there is something very unnerving about showing up to any bar or club by oneself. what if no one talks to me? what if i just sit in the corner nursing my beer all night? i would go home defeated, never wanting to go back. i am really bad at breaking the ice. i don't exactly walk up to people and start conversations. sure, when that ice is finally broken, i am fine, confident, outgoing, and according to seven people, funny. . i still think i would find it much more soothing to go with someone, even if it were someone i just met. no one likes being alone and being alone in a sea of people is even worse. i just wish there was some way to identify submissive from dominant, bondage lover from pain slut, etc. well, a long time ago i discovered the "hanky code". basically, a person would wear a certain color handkerchief in their back pocket or on a certain side of their body. the side they wore it on told whether they were Dominant or submissive. the color of the handkerchief then told what they were into (from what i remember, grey meant bondage). now i have peaked my own interest. i am going to find the "hanky code" and post it on this blog.
to sum it all up, i have never been because i am, in a way, scared. i have never revealed my second self to people i have never met face to face before. but i suppose in a way it would be cathartic. i would be able to act on a lot of desires i have kept inside for way too long. i have always thought that the day i find a Domme, the day i find a circle of friends who share my love of bondage, is the day i stop writing this blog. i guess we shall have to wait and see.
i really want to go to a fetish night at a club. i mean, i really really want to go. there is something very appealing about being around so many people who my second self can relate to. i have never been to a place or event where bdsm is the central theme. not a munch, not a club, not anywhere. one of my biggest fantasies does involve being shown off by my Domme and made to serve Her in a public setting, but only lately have i made it a point to try and experience it first hand. i tingle at the thought of being surrounded by Dommes, Doms, and subs alike. it makes me shutter just thinking about all the Dommes in the club having their eyes on "the new guy" and, when they find out i am submissive, deciding whether or not i would be worthy to serve. in an ideal world, i would end up on my knees in front of a Domme or Dommes, fetching them drinks and answering any question they would want to know about me all night. although i know that it doesn't exactly work like that, those thoughts are certainly a driving force behind my desire to attend. ultimately, my core reason for wanting to go is to meet new people and find an outlet for my second self. from what i hear, most people at the fetish nights and munches are laid back, down to earth people who happen to be into bdsm (like me!).
why i haven't been
there are a couple of reasons why i have never ventured to a munch or fetish night. for one, i do not have one single friend or acquaintance that attends or would want to attend. i have tried and tried to get over being self conscious, but to me, there is something very unnerving about showing up to any bar or club by oneself. what if no one talks to me? what if i just sit in the corner nursing my beer all night? i would go home defeated, never wanting to go back. i am really bad at breaking the ice. i don't exactly walk up to people and start conversations. sure, when that ice is finally broken, i am fine, confident, outgoing, and according to seven people, funny. . i still think i would find it much more soothing to go with someone, even if it were someone i just met. no one likes being alone and being alone in a sea of people is even worse. i just wish there was some way to identify submissive from dominant, bondage lover from pain slut, etc. well, a long time ago i discovered the "hanky code". basically, a person would wear a certain color handkerchief in their back pocket or on a certain side of their body. the side they wore it on told whether they were Dominant or submissive. the color of the handkerchief then told what they were into (from what i remember, grey meant bondage). now i have peaked my own interest. i am going to find the "hanky code" and post it on this blog.
to sum it all up, i have never been because i am, in a way, scared. i have never revealed my second self to people i have never met face to face before. but i suppose in a way it would be cathartic. i would be able to act on a lot of desires i have kept inside for way too long. i have always thought that the day i find a Domme, the day i find a circle of friends who share my love of bondage, is the day i stop writing this blog. i guess we shall have to wait and see.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
my attempt at metacognition
sometimes i wonder why i love bondage so much. i wonder why i think being bound head to toe, being so completely helpless, is such a turn on for me. there was never a moment in my life where all of a sudden i thought "wow, i love being tied up!" it sort of always has been there. when i was a kid, i would always be the one who would easily get caught while playing cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, or any other game where one of the players got tied up, handcuffed, or captured. the more i played these types of games, the more i would try and set it up so i would be the one who ended up bound and gagged and in need of rescue.
my foray into self-bondage also began at an early age. i had always been fascinated with those cheap plastic handcuffs they sold at toy stores. i began collecting common household products that doubled at bondage gear (though i obviously didn't call it that then!) when i was about 10 or 11. i would go to my room and tie my legs nice and tight and then handcuff my hands behind my back with the key nearby (i could have broken them very easily if i needed to) and just struggle for hours. one of my favorite items (and still is to this day) is ace bandage. i would simply wrap it tight around one wrist, put my hands behind my back and slip my other wrist through. though i could just slip my hand out at any time, it still felt somewhat secure and was way more comfortable than handcuffs. as i grew older, my collection of bondage gear grew. finally, when i was in high school, i added rope to my collection. my crowning achievement came when i was in college and bought my first reall ball gag. ok, enough digretion, back to my original point.
the reason i think i enjoy bondage so much, in my own humble opinion, comes down to what my first self is like. i would never be considered a control freak by any stretch of the imagination. i would, however, consider myself someone who needs to a certain amount of consistency in his life. thus, i want most things in my life planned out and i want to know where i am headed. i never try to control other people, only myself. i get ansy on thursday when i don't know what i am doing on friday night. i used snoop around and try to find my gifts before christmas. i am the one who starts talking about dessert before my appetizers come. i am an actor, not a reactor. my second self allows me to become a reactor; it allows me to break free from this way of thinking by simply allowing someone else to do my thinking for me. i like that, i like the comfort that comes with trust; trust that my Domme has Her best interest and my best interest at heart. i feel very fulfilled fulfilling other people's wishes.
i am also a very big fan of the security that comes with being a submissive. physically speaking, i enjoy being all tied up, no where to go, my only purpose being to be at the mercy of my Domme. emotionally, i feel that bondage gives me a sense of accomplishment. i can validate my people-pleasing mentality by doing my Domme's bidding. i know i sound like a broken record, but waiting on my Domme hand and foot brings my tremendous satisfaction. by Her showing that She is pleased with my actions, i can feel secure that my feelings are reciprocated.
later in life, maybe during my college years, bondage became so much more than the physical state of being tied up. somewhere along the line, bondage took a more cerebral path and i began thinking of bondage in a more emotional and mental way. just because i am not tied up, does not mean that i am not under a Domme's control. when i was younger, i never understood why a submissive would want to simply kneel at a Domme's feet. now i get it. i finally have understood that a Domme/sub relationship cannot function on physical restraint alone. sure, a Domme may love keeping Her sub tied up most of the time (my favorite kind of Domme ;), but what happens when he is not restrained? normally, his Domme has set up a system of rules and behavior that guide the sub's actions. it is this system, from what i have learned, that truly restrains the sub. it is not the action of the Domme tying up Her sub that binds him to Her, it is the sub's conscious decision to follow the rules given to him. thus, the Domme/sub relationship is not about a Domme bending a sub to Her will, rather it is the sub giving himself to the Domme to be bent. i think i just made a breakthrough.... :)
my foray into self-bondage also began at an early age. i had always been fascinated with those cheap plastic handcuffs they sold at toy stores. i began collecting common household products that doubled at bondage gear (though i obviously didn't call it that then!) when i was about 10 or 11. i would go to my room and tie my legs nice and tight and then handcuff my hands behind my back with the key nearby (i could have broken them very easily if i needed to) and just struggle for hours. one of my favorite items (and still is to this day) is ace bandage. i would simply wrap it tight around one wrist, put my hands behind my back and slip my other wrist through. though i could just slip my hand out at any time, it still felt somewhat secure and was way more comfortable than handcuffs. as i grew older, my collection of bondage gear grew. finally, when i was in high school, i added rope to my collection. my crowning achievement came when i was in college and bought my first reall ball gag. ok, enough digretion, back to my original point.
the reason i think i enjoy bondage so much, in my own humble opinion, comes down to what my first self is like. i would never be considered a control freak by any stretch of the imagination. i would, however, consider myself someone who needs to a certain amount of consistency in his life. thus, i want most things in my life planned out and i want to know where i am headed. i never try to control other people, only myself. i get ansy on thursday when i don't know what i am doing on friday night. i used snoop around and try to find my gifts before christmas. i am the one who starts talking about dessert before my appetizers come. i am an actor, not a reactor. my second self allows me to become a reactor; it allows me to break free from this way of thinking by simply allowing someone else to do my thinking for me. i like that, i like the comfort that comes with trust; trust that my Domme has Her best interest and my best interest at heart. i feel very fulfilled fulfilling other people's wishes.
i am also a very big fan of the security that comes with being a submissive. physically speaking, i enjoy being all tied up, no where to go, my only purpose being to be at the mercy of my Domme. emotionally, i feel that bondage gives me a sense of accomplishment. i can validate my people-pleasing mentality by doing my Domme's bidding. i know i sound like a broken record, but waiting on my Domme hand and foot brings my tremendous satisfaction. by Her showing that She is pleased with my actions, i can feel secure that my feelings are reciprocated.
later in life, maybe during my college years, bondage became so much more than the physical state of being tied up. somewhere along the line, bondage took a more cerebral path and i began thinking of bondage in a more emotional and mental way. just because i am not tied up, does not mean that i am not under a Domme's control. when i was younger, i never understood why a submissive would want to simply kneel at a Domme's feet. now i get it. i finally have understood that a Domme/sub relationship cannot function on physical restraint alone. sure, a Domme may love keeping Her sub tied up most of the time (my favorite kind of Domme ;), but what happens when he is not restrained? normally, his Domme has set up a system of rules and behavior that guide the sub's actions. it is this system, from what i have learned, that truly restrains the sub. it is not the action of the Domme tying up Her sub that binds him to Her, it is the sub's conscious decision to follow the rules given to him. thus, the Domme/sub relationship is not about a Domme bending a sub to Her will, rather it is the sub giving himself to the Domme to be bent. i think i just made a breakthrough.... :)
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
first self, second self
this is not a personal ad. i can't say it more plainly than that. the purpose of this blog is to provide me, its author, with a channel through which i can vent my feelings, frustrations, and adventures in the world of bondage and discipline. i probably won't be posting anything that will shake the fabric of our society's social structure, but i will be posting things that my readers can relate to. i want those who read my blog to say, "hey, i know what he means, i went through something just like that."
every blog has a purpose, and mine is no different. what i hope to achieve is the creation of a dialogue; a dialogue between me and my readers, between my readers, and most importantly, between my two selves. that's right, i have two selves. i have no scientific data to back this up (this will be a constant theme), but i can surmise there are many people out there in my position. you are gainfully employed, socially adept, and are slowly but surely carving out your piece of the American dream. who knows, maybe you even have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend? almost everything in your life fits perfectly into our social norms and everyone you meet thinks of you as a generally happy person who has a lot of things going for you. this would be considered your "first self". little do they know your deep, dark secret. something so appalling that if they were to ever find out, they would seriously question your friendship. something so terrible that they would stop calling you on the phone and start calling you "weird". what could this terrible secret be? you like bondage. i know, bondage is a scary thing and you must have something seriously wrong with you if you are into that kind of stuff (sarcasm will also be a prominent theme in my blog). so what do you do? you keep it a secret. you don't want anyone knowing you like to be tied up. thus, your "second self" is born.
throughout this blog, i will try and explain my second self and how i am trying my best to bring my two selves together. so read on if so desire and follow me through all of my kinky (but true!) life experiences...
every blog has a purpose, and mine is no different. what i hope to achieve is the creation of a dialogue; a dialogue between me and my readers, between my readers, and most importantly, between my two selves. that's right, i have two selves. i have no scientific data to back this up (this will be a constant theme), but i can surmise there are many people out there in my position. you are gainfully employed, socially adept, and are slowly but surely carving out your piece of the American dream. who knows, maybe you even have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend? almost everything in your life fits perfectly into our social norms and everyone you meet thinks of you as a generally happy person who has a lot of things going for you. this would be considered your "first self". little do they know your deep, dark secret. something so appalling that if they were to ever find out, they would seriously question your friendship. something so terrible that they would stop calling you on the phone and start calling you "weird". what could this terrible secret be? you like bondage. i know, bondage is a scary thing and you must have something seriously wrong with you if you are into that kind of stuff (sarcasm will also be a prominent theme in my blog). so what do you do? you keep it a secret. you don't want anyone knowing you like to be tied up. thus, your "second self" is born.
throughout this blog, i will try and explain my second self and how i am trying my best to bring my two selves together. so read on if so desire and follow me through all of my kinky (but true!) life experiences...
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